you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
This gyro tastes like lonliness
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
