Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
