fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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