She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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