I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize