PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
