It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Fuck me I smell like cheese
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
