i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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