i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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