what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
