Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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