please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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