Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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