I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
