you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
