Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
