there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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