I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
