you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize