I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
