I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
