I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
