i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
