i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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