i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
