ya dads aren't the best wingmen
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
