I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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