I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
