just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
