sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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