what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
