he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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