Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
