mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize