NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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