how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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