I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
