I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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