I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
