it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
