I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
