I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
