hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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