i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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