i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
