Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Mom said you looked used
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
