checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
