Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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