please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
