My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
