I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
