I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
