Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize