i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
