I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
