I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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