You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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