yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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