Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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