So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
